Unshackle Yourself : An Open Letter to BW From A SWM Reader

Quantum has left a new comment on your post "Why Are BW So Afraid of Using Their Skin Privilege...":

I'm a SWM, and I'd like to add something here. I've ALWAYS loved darker skin, a thick, round bootie, and thicker lips, voluptuousness, etc. It's some of the things that have always drawn me to black women. Black women to me, are the sexiest women on the planet, and it has nothing do with experimentation or any of that silly nonsense that we WM always get accused of simply because we like whom we like.

I could never understand why BW would get uncomfortable and sometimes just plain turned off by that! It would make me think, "What's wrong with this person? Would you prefer I find you UNattractive? Or ugly? What's your hold up? And it is YOUR hold up." I'm just being honest here. It was incredibly frustrating. All I wanted to do was love a BW, but they wouldn't let me because I found their features attractive. It just made absolutely no sense! And not that the following doesn't carry any importance, but too many people make WAY too big of a deal over culture and whatever else, and so they don't relax and just be themselves and let others appreciate them. Let us WM appreciate you!!! So many BW have really missed out on great guys simply because they couldn't handle the fact that we WM find you so incredibly beautiful. Of course we want sex with you - God made us sexual beings. Did we cease being males and did you BW cease wanting sex because we find you incredible? If it's a fetish, then it's a permanent one. Would you prefer my desire for you would wane like the ocean tide? I would think not! I want a BW to desire me physically and sexually as much as I desire her! And permanently so. It's not just about body and sex, but that's a big part of it - just as important as the emotions, the mind, the spirit and the chemistry found in those areas.

I will never apologize (nor should I) for desiring big full lips, a big bootie, thick legs, round hips, a busty chest, or brown skin. I love curves and voluptuousness and sexy, brown skin. What else can I say about that? It's what I like and love. It's what I prefer, it's what I desire deep down. I always have. It's what God Almighty put inside of me to want. It's part of who I am. And if a BW would let a WM like me be a man, have my sexual desires, share them with her, and often, and let me love her and build a life with her, and if she'd do the same with me, then we could build the kind of life and marriage (one day), and our relationship would not only be hot and passionate, but it would serve as an example to others about the way God intended man and woman to love and relate to each other - on all levels. We could build a family and live our lives which is what it all ultimately comes down to. I mean, isn't that what any healthy human being wants, male or female, bottom line?

Sex and physical attraction are important, and I want both to be red hot, just like any BW would want. But it's only a part of me - not all of me. Let me be a man. Let me be attracted to you. Let me share it with you. If I can't show you because it's not the right time or place to, then I at least need to talk about it and I need you to hear me, and understand, and value how I beautiful and sexy I find you to be. Bottom line, I just want to love a woman and have her love me back the same - and my attraction to you (my "fetish" for you, or whatever you may want to call it), is permanent, and it's part of how I share and show my love.

I don't think BW truly understand how deep down into a man's (and in this case, a WM's) soul this desire for you goes. So many of you simply do NOT understand. After awhile, the frustration of not being released to share something that resides so deep down builds up to the point that it really hurts - it begins to really wound the heart. And we end up with people on both sides who don't feel appreciated, are frustrated, and walk away missing out and not sharing love. It's ridiculous - no wonder people in society are so miserable. All we're trying to do is love each other and we either don't know how to accept it, or we're blocked from sharing it. It's like we're bumbling around in the dark. It doesn't mean you have to get involved with everyone you meet, but don't turn away someone who appreciates you.

I've always considered myself strong, but all this is very difficult for a man like me to share. I'm being as honest and open as I know how to be. And I'm risking sharing this for your benefit so you women have the opportunity to learn. Not many men will share this openly with you. The internet affords me a bit of anonymity, so I can release myself a bit easier to be open.

Some of you may not know how to respond to this honesty; some of you may find it shocking that some of us men actually feel beyond sex. Well, we do. So if you're uncomfortable with my words, give it time, and you'll see I'm just human too.

The MOST Beautiful Woman At The Oscars

She may not have taken home an Oscar, but the incredible Ruby Dee was definitely a winner last night.

Just a quick post to show my love for the BADDEST ROCKING lady in the entertainment game.

With such beauty, style, grace and talent...we black girls can RULE THE WORLD. Never let age hold you back. As long as you are alive and healthy, you have the POWER to keep chasing your dreams.

Over 40 and not married yet, NOT too late. Still haven't gotten that college degree yet, NOT too late. Haven't traveled outside the United States yet, NOT too late. Whatever your dream, it's NOT too late. Get Busy !

The Art of Flirting & Self Respect-- Do You Have It ?

I love visual aides; therefore, I bring you scenes from "The Bodyguard" and "Waiting to Exhale."

First we have "The Bodyguard" :




Ok, now let's look at "Waiting to Exhale" :



Ok--my observations:

Clip 1
-The chemistry between the couple was extremely obvious
-Whitney's character kept DIRECT eye contact with Kevin's character
-Whitney's character SMILED and was CASUAL with Kevin's character
-Whitney's character kept drawing-out Kevin's character by ASKING Him QUESTIONS about himself in a non-threatening way (all the while charming, light and fun)
-Whitney's character casually led Kevin's character to the dance floor when a song came on she SENSED he liked (notice, the dance was NOT overtly sexual)


Clip 2
-I could smell the desperation of Whitney's character through my computer screen the moment she walked into the dance..lol
-Instead of looking casual and confident, Whitney's character searched that room (looking for her date) like the cure for cancer was "up in there"
-When the date finally showed up (smh)he immediately went into "mack" mode pretending that she was "the one" and Whitney's character ate it up...EVEN though she KNEW it was a lie. At that moment, she gave away ALL her "cards." I saw NO flirting...just a sure thing.


My point is that perhaps *some* of us who are looking at dating in a "new" light are used to dealing with the behaviors (both ours and the man's) in Clip 2. I'm suggesting, we think more about how the behaviors in Clip 1 are much more beneficial when dating. Projecting confidence is always a winning feeling, regardless of how the date turns out.

If you look at the behavior of the men in both clips, you might notice that during the different dance scenes, the men took different approaches. Kevin's character in Clip 1 was respectful, but definitely interested and attracted to Whitney's character. The character in Clip 2 was very disrespectful, imo, as he rubbed all over Whitney's bare skin and kept whispering "empty intimacies" to her. Whitney's character doesn't get a free pass either; in Clip 2 she ALLOWED herself to be "deceived" and played along with the false intimacy.

It was actually a wm's profile on a dating site that inspired this post. He stated that "he wished BW would respect themselves as much as HE respects them."

Why Are BW So Afraid of Using Their Skin Privileges ?

Believe it or not, we BW do have skin privileges too. WW have been using their skin privileges for centuries. It’s no secret that men from other cultures have desired (and still do) white skin and I haven’t exactly noticed WW having a problem with that.

However, let a WM say that he loves a BW’s skin and we go screaming for the hills, shouting “he has a fetish,” “he’s a chocolate freak.” Etc. I personally think we are missing the boat on this one. Of course, I’m not one to point fingers without telling on myself as well….lol. True story: while working my way through college I worked at an indie record store (yes, the owner insisted on calling it a record store not a CD store..lol). Anyhoo, we had a regular who was a WM who came in with his black girlfriend all the time. He was a really nice guy and the staff all loved him. So one day he brings up an album (yes, an actual album) with a dark brown BW, sans clothing, embracing a likewise un-clothed WM. I was the one waiting on him that day and he started explaining to me that he didn’t know the band, he was just buying the album for the cover. Wait for it…..because he LOVED the sight of the BW’s dark brown skin against the pale white of the man. He went on to say how it just “does something to me…the sight of all that dark skin next to pale skin, it just drives me crazy.” I immediately freaked-out and thought he was a “chocolate freak” and it was just “sick.” Actually, I was reacting to my BC (Black Community) conditioning that “teaches” BW that any non-black man who loves our skin tones and finds them desirable is “sick” or it’s somehow “abnormal.”

I want to challenge BW to think about why we get so offended or uncomfortable when a non-black man, especially if he’s white, desires us for our beautiful skin tones. Do you think it’s because of BC conditioning as I do, or do you have some other reason?
In the dating and mating game, are we BW throwing away a great asset?

Those Days Are Over !

I'm going to have to break it to my ww friends that they are no longer the "fairest of them all." The days of their good pal Pinky holding the purses while they go out on the dance floor with all the cute boys..OVER. Me reassuring them that, no, you're not fat..OVER. I no longer have time to listen to your boyfriend problems..OVER. No, I'm not going to tell you that you're not getting wrinkles...OVER. Hhhmmm...nope, I don't have time to listen to the hair-brained ideas you have of where I can meet "someone for me" OVER. Please don't point out the bm from the file room anymore...OVER. When you and Becky-Sue are oogling over the cute blonde in Accounting, guess what, so am I...leaving me out of that giggle-fest...OVER. I could go on, but you get the point.

It amazes me how willing I've been to sit at the back of the dating bus. Well, I'm putting some people in my life on notice, those days are OVER. If you have "friends" that see your love choices in life as limited, I suggest you put them on notice that you have as many options as they do.

Adventures In Internet Dating

Let me just say, I lobster-loathe dating...lol. The process of dating always seems so fake to me. I like just meeting someone and getting to know them in a non-romantic setting and becoming friends. Eventually, if the chemistry is right, the friendship turns into dating. But, really, who has that kind of time now.

At any rate, internet dating so far makes me feeling like this :





Yep, internet dating makes the Pinkerton feel a little un-pretty. I suppose it doesn't help that I'm recovering from a bad cold and all my profile pics look horrid..lol.

I use to think my friend that married a guy she met on EHarmony after knowing him for 3 months was crazy and now I realize she was just tired of dating..lol.

Trying to avoid these type individuals has been challenging:



Oh yes, internet dating is an adventure. However, this is my year to confront all the things I said I would 'never' do or things I have been afraid to do. Internet dating ...check. Tomorrow is another day...it will get better.

My Alternate Universe

A Sista Dropping Some Knowledge

Get It Young Miss !

Yo Yo-You Can't Play With My Yo-Yo

Hhhm...pssst...BET uhmmmm...remember when you were trying to run your B-Girls of BET game with the half-naked girls, uhmm...THIS is a real B-Girl.

Hhhmmm...isn't that your logo...shouldn't you already know this..lol. I'm just sayin.....

Bikram Yoga - Can You Take The Heat ?

I tried Bikram Yoga for the first time last week. I made it through two classes before I came down with a bad cold..so, I'm taking this week off.

Let me just say...everything I've heard about Bikram Yoga is true.

The room is hot..........and yes, you really do feel sick the first few times you do it. The poses are hard and your heart really does get a good workout. About half-way through the class you feel like you're being tortued (at least I did...lol).

Ok, now all that sounds bad..but, there is a silver lining. I have never sweated so much, yet felt so clean. Ofcourse, it helps that I shower BEFORE class..lol.

When you make it through the 90 minute class, you feel like you've accomplished a great feat and you feel absolutely great (after the nausea and dizziness pass..lol.)

I would strongly advise anyone who is willing to try Bikram Yoga to consult with their doctor first; the heat is no joke.

Wow Mary...Really, Your One Wish Would Be...

long, wavy, "Indian girl hair." That's what you define as "naturally beautiful." Wow.






Story/video courtesy of Bossip

Is Kanye West Trying To Tell Us Something..Hhhhmm

Watch this first video about "beautiful girls."





What do all these ladies have in common ? (Btw...the "editorial" is hilarious)


Now watch this one about "gold diggers." Same question...what do the ladies have in common ?

Black Women At War ?

Therefore, if we want to do battle, even if the enemy is protected by high walls and deep moats, he cannot but do battle, because we attack what he must rescue.
Sun-Tzu “The Art of War”



Therefore, if we (BW) want to do battle, even if the enemy (Dangerous BM seeking to harm bw/children) is protected by high walls and deep moats (The “Black Community”), he cannot but do battle (Attack BW bloggers), because we (BW bloggers) attack what he (BM who don't get it) must rescue (Image of ALL BM regardless if they are friend or foe to BW/children).

- Edited by Pinky



You know, I really didn’t want to discuss BM on my blog because I wanted this to be “my place” to celebrate BW and all the wonderful options available to us. However, I’m beginning to realize that I too have to “get my hands dirty.”

I’m really tired of the pro-BW and pro-IR bloggers always catching hell for telling their truth and the truth of other BW. Immediately, detractors come out of the woodwork to call you a liar and demand stats to back up what you have to say. When someone speaks their truth, it is from their life experience and this requires no stats. Any intelligent person should be able to grasp that concept and not act as if that person’s experience relates to every other person on the planet. DUH!

I don’t know of any other “community” of people who are so willing to let their women and children perish all in the name of protecting the public image of “their” men. Don’t civilized people all over the world cast-out the men who dare commit atrocities against its women and children? Why does the “black community” find this concept so hard to follow?

BW bloggers are the devil because we dare to “pull back the curtain” and publicly renounce what everyone already knows anyway? This makes sense because………………….? Sexism, misogyny, intra-racism, classism, violence and hypocrisy all exist in the “black community.” Guess what, *gasp* those elements exist in EVERY community; but, my focus is NOT on “other communities" so stop dragging that tired argument of “well…but ‘they’ do such and such toooooooo.” DUH!

BW and children are under siege in their own communities by damaged BM in their midst. Period. If more BM who are NOT damaged would STAND THE HELL UP and RAGE against those that are, we could forever end this bullshit about “well, not allllllllllllllllll, BM are such and thus.” DUH! As long as good BM stay silent and/or make excuses for the BM doing damage to BW and children, the “damaged” label will likely chase ALL BM.

STAND THE F**K UP for what is right (the protection of BW and children) or shut the hell up about how the damaged label is destroying BM’s image as a whole. This is not rocket-science. Either you are for BW/children or you are against them. Period. “Hating” or “Bashing” BM has zero to do with this; it’s purely about actions (or lack thereof) having consequences.

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