The Black Feminine Mystique Experience (BFME)

When was the last time some non-black woman looked at your hair in utter amazement ? Have you had a Becky-type put her tanned arm next to yours and then exclaim "look, I'm almost as brown as you ?" Have you had to have the discussion about how our natural hair can do amazing things ? Has some misguided Becky-type put her hands in your hair because she just "had to see how y'all do that ?" If you answered yes to any of these questions (and there are tons more..lol) you've had the Black Feminine Mystique Experience.

Now, I know some people may take offense to me using "Becky" when referring to WW. However, I use it to specifically refer to the kind of WW who knows she has a special "skin privilege card" AND uses it. With that said, I"ll continue.

I started thinking of a phrase to describe those annoying and sometimes enraging moments when non-black women (usually a Becky) will invade *me* to ask questions about my hair, skin, lips, makeup (as in how I can "get away with" not wearing mascara, blush,etc.) The phrase that jumped out at me was BFME.

Apparently, we BW are so *other-worldly* and mysterious that everything about us is sooo fascinating to some folks. I am being a little facetious. The truth is we ARE special. No other woman has what we do and in so many variations. I believe our feminine beauty is striking and alluring....POWERFUL. But, that does not give rude people the right to expect me to entertain their "curiosity."

I will NEVER forget the day I came in to work with braids and my Becky manager at the time came running over to me and screamed "I'm sorry, but I HAVE to see how you did that," right after her initial screech, she proceeded to put her red dragon talons in my hair. I was livid. I felt like I had been violated; probably because I had been. We worked in a Corporate environment and in front of an entire department, this idiot was fishing through my hair. I don't know about you ladies, but I have NEVER been that enthralled with another woman's hair to the point that I just had to get all up in it. It must have been the BFM.

When I started wearing my hair naturally, I don't know how many lectures I had to give on why it was "different" now. I was way too tolerant of other folks ignorance. I used to look at it as a "teaching opportunity." I no longer have the patience; folks will have to learn on somebody else's dime. Hhhmmm...reminds me of a conversation between two Becky's:

Becky #1- "they make me sick." (referring to a group of Black girls)

Becky #2 - "yea, always showing off with that weird hair...they just want attention" (now the

Black girls did not have blue or orange hair, etc-- just cute cuts, a french roll...nothing

out-there)

It must have been the BFM that got them all shook up..lol. Pay attention ladies, I'm sure you'll recognize your own BFM experiences.

Vagina Power Ladies

Attention : NOT SAFE FOR WORK / ADULT THEMES

With all the discussions of weight and what is ideal vs. where you are now...my response is love what you have now until you can get to where you want to be.

Self love comes before any change.

Unshackle Yourself : An Open Letter to BW From A SWM Reader

Quantum has left a new comment on your post "Why Are BW So Afraid of Using Their Skin Privilege...":

I'm a SWM, and I'd like to add something here. I've ALWAYS loved darker skin, a thick, round bootie, and thicker lips, voluptuousness, etc. It's some of the things that have always drawn me to black women. Black women to me, are the sexiest women on the planet, and it has nothing do with experimentation or any of that silly nonsense that we WM always get accused of simply because we like whom we like.

I could never understand why BW would get uncomfortable and sometimes just plain turned off by that! It would make me think, "What's wrong with this person? Would you prefer I find you UNattractive? Or ugly? What's your hold up? And it is YOUR hold up." I'm just being honest here. It was incredibly frustrating. All I wanted to do was love a BW, but they wouldn't let me because I found their features attractive. It just made absolutely no sense! And not that the following doesn't carry any importance, but too many people make WAY too big of a deal over culture and whatever else, and so they don't relax and just be themselves and let others appreciate them. Let us WM appreciate you!!! So many BW have really missed out on great guys simply because they couldn't handle the fact that we WM find you so incredibly beautiful. Of course we want sex with you - God made us sexual beings. Did we cease being males and did you BW cease wanting sex because we find you incredible? If it's a fetish, then it's a permanent one. Would you prefer my desire for you would wane like the ocean tide? I would think not! I want a BW to desire me physically and sexually as much as I desire her! And permanently so. It's not just about body and sex, but that's a big part of it - just as important as the emotions, the mind, the spirit and the chemistry found in those areas.

I will never apologize (nor should I) for desiring big full lips, a big bootie, thick legs, round hips, a busty chest, or brown skin. I love curves and voluptuousness and sexy, brown skin. What else can I say about that? It's what I like and love. It's what I prefer, it's what I desire deep down. I always have. It's what God Almighty put inside of me to want. It's part of who I am. And if a BW would let a WM like me be a man, have my sexual desires, share them with her, and often, and let me love her and build a life with her, and if she'd do the same with me, then we could build the kind of life and marriage (one day), and our relationship would not only be hot and passionate, but it would serve as an example to others about the way God intended man and woman to love and relate to each other - on all levels. We could build a family and live our lives which is what it all ultimately comes down to. I mean, isn't that what any healthy human being wants, male or female, bottom line?

Sex and physical attraction are important, and I want both to be red hot, just like any BW would want. But it's only a part of me - not all of me. Let me be a man. Let me be attracted to you. Let me share it with you. If I can't show you because it's not the right time or place to, then I at least need to talk about it and I need you to hear me, and understand, and value how I beautiful and sexy I find you to be. Bottom line, I just want to love a woman and have her love me back the same - and my attraction to you (my "fetish" for you, or whatever you may want to call it), is permanent, and it's part of how I share and show my love.

I don't think BW truly understand how deep down into a man's (and in this case, a WM's) soul this desire for you goes. So many of you simply do NOT understand. After awhile, the frustration of not being released to share something that resides so deep down builds up to the point that it really hurts - it begins to really wound the heart. And we end up with people on both sides who don't feel appreciated, are frustrated, and walk away missing out and not sharing love. It's ridiculous - no wonder people in society are so miserable. All we're trying to do is love each other and we either don't know how to accept it, or we're blocked from sharing it. It's like we're bumbling around in the dark. It doesn't mean you have to get involved with everyone you meet, but don't turn away someone who appreciates you.

I've always considered myself strong, but all this is very difficult for a man like me to share. I'm being as honest and open as I know how to be. And I'm risking sharing this for your benefit so you women have the opportunity to learn. Not many men will share this openly with you. The internet affords me a bit of anonymity, so I can release myself a bit easier to be open.

Some of you may not know how to respond to this honesty; some of you may find it shocking that some of us men actually feel beyond sex. Well, we do. So if you're uncomfortable with my words, give it time, and you'll see I'm just human too.

The MOST Beautiful Woman At The Oscars

She may not have taken home an Oscar, but the incredible Ruby Dee was definitely a winner last night.

Just a quick post to show my love for the BADDEST ROCKING lady in the entertainment game.

With such beauty, style, grace and talent...we black girls can RULE THE WORLD. Never let age hold you back. As long as you are alive and healthy, you have the POWER to keep chasing your dreams.

Over 40 and not married yet, NOT too late. Still haven't gotten that college degree yet, NOT too late. Haven't traveled outside the United States yet, NOT too late. Whatever your dream, it's NOT too late. Get Busy !

Why Are BW So Afraid of Using Their Skin Privileges ?

Believe it or not, we BW do have skin privileges too. WW have been using their skin privileges for centuries. It’s no secret that men from other cultures have desired (and still do) white skin and I haven’t exactly noticed WW having a problem with that.

However, let a WM say that he loves a BW’s skin and we go screaming for the hills, shouting “he has a fetish,” “he’s a chocolate freak.” Etc. I personally think we are missing the boat on this one. Of course, I’m not one to point fingers without telling on myself as well….lol. True story: while working my way through college I worked at an indie record store (yes, the owner insisted on calling it a record store not a CD store..lol). Anyhoo, we had a regular who was a WM who came in with his black girlfriend all the time. He was a really nice guy and the staff all loved him. So one day he brings up an album (yes, an actual album) with a dark brown BW, sans clothing, embracing a likewise un-clothed WM. I was the one waiting on him that day and he started explaining to me that he didn’t know the band, he was just buying the album for the cover. Wait for it…..because he LOVED the sight of the BW’s dark brown skin against the pale white of the man. He went on to say how it just “does something to me…the sight of all that dark skin next to pale skin, it just drives me crazy.” I immediately freaked-out and thought he was a “chocolate freak” and it was just “sick.” Actually, I was reacting to my BC (Black Community) conditioning that “teaches” BW that any non-black man who loves our skin tones and finds them desirable is “sick” or it’s somehow “abnormal.”

I want to challenge BW to think about why we get so offended or uncomfortable when a non-black man, especially if he’s white, desires us for our beautiful skin tones. Do you think it’s because of BC conditioning as I do, or do you have some other reason?
In the dating and mating game, are we BW throwing away a great asset?

Those Days Are Over !

I'm going to have to break it to my ww friends that they are no longer the "fairest of them all." The days of their good pal Pinky holding the purses while they go out on the dance floor with all the cute boys..OVER. Me reassuring them that, no, you're not fat..OVER. I no longer have time to listen to your boyfriend problems..OVER. No, I'm not going to tell you that you're not getting wrinkles...OVER. Hhhmmm...nope, I don't have time to listen to the hair-brained ideas you have of where I can meet "someone for me" OVER. Please don't point out the bm from the file room anymore...OVER. When you and Becky-Sue are oogling over the cute blonde in Accounting, guess what, so am I...leaving me out of that giggle-fest...OVER. I could go on, but you get the point.

It amazes me how willing I've been to sit at the back of the dating bus. Well, I'm putting some people in my life on notice, those days are OVER. If you have "friends" that see your love choices in life as limited, I suggest you put them on notice that you have as many options as they do.

A Sista Dropping Some Knowledge

Get It Young Miss !

I Like Variety !!

Black girls ...let your light shine !

Lenny Kravitz - Black Velveteen

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