A Note About Evia, Halima & The Ladies of Gen II

I found Evia and Halima's blogs by way of the now infamous AP news article about the depressing numbers of single black women seeking to "date out" as an option to marriage...the "Something New" movement. As I read that AP article, I recognized my experience and those of my black women friends, acquaintances and even some family members. I knew from jump street when I started reading Evia & Halima that they were not going to "speak" to every black woman. I often found it puzzling why those women who did not have the experiences that Evia & Halima spoke of, just didn't move on to other blogs that would speak to their experiences with IR relationships, black men and the black community. The endless "trolls" and arguments were so tiresome. I think it has been stated that Evia turned off the comments on her original blog that is now the E-zine.

Then along came Evia's Gen II, a private subscription only blog. I decided to address my feelings on this subject and then never speak of it again because of my Gen II experience. So much has been said or inferred about the reason Gen II was formed and what went on there. I have to say much of what has been said, based on my own experience as a subscriber, is so wrong. Apart from regular commenters, other subscribers would have no idea who was a member, therefore, I don't "know" all the people who joined. But what I do know is that all members, silent or vocal, eventually became a community.

That's right, we had a small community of black women and some men. I'm writing this today because I want it known that there are some AMAZING women in the Gen II community. We are wonderful, smart, enterprising, good-hearted and just, again, the ladies of Gen II are amazing women. We are not mindless sheep who worship at the altar of any human being. I think what some people don't understand is that by creating Gen II, Evia gave us a place where we could have our own space, free of trolls and others who did not like what she or Halima had to offer to those of us who SOUGHT OUT what they had to say and what we could learn from other women on the blog. People were WILLING to pay for that privilege. For anyone who doesn't know, the Gen II ladies encouraged Evia to share some of the full articles from the paid blog on the Ezine and Evia was glad to do so. We are FREE BLACK WOMEN with minds of our own and what we choose to do with our money is our own business. Contrary to what some may think, we didn't sit around cyber-altars chanting about how evil all black men are or whatever some folks think. We discussed dbr men of all types when it came up. But we also networked, shared life experiences, encouraged each other to travel & shared travel experiences....I even discovered Bikram Yoga (thanks Delish !) I'm truly sorry if other members didn't have the same experience for whatever reason.

Some people may challenge my take about Gen II because so much has been written/said about "The Mammy Chronicles." To that I have to say, the Chronicles were never meant to demean anyone with a weight problem. It has always been my understanding that the Chronicles were meant to be a caricature of the behaviors that destroy the lives of some black women. For example, doing everything for everybody else except herself, never accepting help....essentially being a "mule" for the world. That is my honest belief of the intent behind them. The author can correct me if I'm wrong, but I remember the Chronicles started during a time when everyone was so sick and tired of hearing about black woman and child after another being murdered or raped and out of the author's mind came a way to cope with that. We were able to stop and laugh at the utter ridiculousness to keep from screaming. That is how the Chronicles were "born."

Now about the whole spying issue. I can only speak for myself, but it is my perception that the entire situation was so explosive because some felt their privacy had been invaded because Gen II was a "protected" community. In hindsight, I think emotions got in the way and Miriam was unfairly labeled a "spy" and for that I offer her my own personal apology.

I like my life off-line to mirror my life on-line: that's drama free. The notion that there are "blog wars" is just too stupid to comprehend anymore in light of the state of our nation...with the war and the economy, etc. However, people will do what they will do. For me, I have closed this ugly chapter in blog-land with this post and I'm moving on to more important things. After all, I have weeks and weeks of hotness pics to find.

Ageism & Internet Dating ?

Several ladies in a previous post have stated that they are running into "cyber ageism" on Internet dating sites. As a result, I went out and did a little research on several dating sites and I have to say there are a lot of men out there in the 40+ age group looking for much younger women. There is nothing scientific about what I did, so I certainly couldn't relate my research to the general population of single men over 40.

I have to ask, isn't this just male privilege ? Men have always had the privilege to play the field until they are in their 40s and then decide they want to get married and have a family. Men with that mind-set know they can find a woman 10-15 years younger than themselves to marry and start a family with. However, women have never had that privilege because we know that our typical child-bearing years are not endless. It is my own OPINION that a lot of these men on dating sites are not looking to "start a family"--to me, it's code-speak for "I want hot arm candy."

When I reviewed some of the dating profiles, a lot of these over 40 guys looking for women 25-35 were already divorced with children. So, they will have to try again on that "start a family line"..lol. If these guys were really honest I think they would say they want younger women because they have the perception that women their own age have "let themselves go" or are "not as spontaneous" as younger women.

Personally I feel like this about age: Age Ain't Nothing but a Number

I realize my "feel good moment" above is not an answer to how women can combat the problem of ageism in dating, but I think you have to live your life un-apologetically as you are NOW and any QUALITY man will be more interested in getting to know you as a person vs. how old you are. Personally, I don't think Internet dating alone is the way-to-go for women of any age if the goal is marriage and children. I would keep Internet dating open, but also try other avenues such as community events, professional clubs / associations, volunteering, etc.

Now, if you just want to play the field and date, younger men are always an option. Check this article for more details....but consider the source...lol.

Let's discuss.

Are You Really Ready For An IRR ?

Let's be clear about BW and IRRs; not all BW enter into IRRs for the same reason. Some of us enter in IRRs out of preference, some because they just fell in love with a non-black man due to chance, some of us are realizing we want to open our options after only dating BM and I'm sure there are other reasons. I would also suggest that not every IR blog is for every BW. For the purpose of this post, I'm speaking to BW who are considering an IRR for the first time.

If you are still emotionally invested in a romantic sense with BM, please consider that you might not be ready to move into an IRR. For example, if you're out shopping and you run into a BM/WW couple and he looks like the IBM (Ideal Black Male) you've always dreamed of AND you get upset or angry, perhaps you're not ready.

If you still have a lot of anger towards BM, and I'm talking about BM in general not BM who hurt BW and children, perhaps you need to work through that first. Let go of the anger.

Why am I saying this ? I personally feel that you can't seek out a good, QUALITY man of ANY type if you are blinded by anger. Also, a good QUALITY man deserves ALL of you; he does NOT deserve to be second best.

Hhhmmm....Haven't I Heard This Before ?

Folks have been sipping HARD on the BC poisoned punch; you know the kind in that big jug that they drag out for every church meeting and funeral. smh.

I'm so tired of other folks telling BW that we are "imagining" things. Everything is just beautiful in the BC----IF you're chugging down that punch.

Do You Know How To Evaluate A New Partner ?

****Disclaimer**** Miss Pinky is Providing this information as a learning tool only. It's Your Choice To Use The Information In Your Personal Life.

Good Signs in a Dating Partner

There are plenty of single people who are conscious and healthy and have some insight into themselves. The following is a list of the traits and behaviors that an ideal healthy dating partner will exhibit. While no one may fit all of these, use this as a general guide to assess the health of your partner.

Healthy dating partners:

• are comfortable in discussing their feelings about their past and present life

• have good relationships with their family members but are also living a physically and psychologically independent life

• respect your physical and emotional boundaries and reveal vulnerable information about themselves gradually over time

• use intoxicants occasionally or not at all, and when they do use them, they do so without losing control or significantly changing their personality

• are comfortable and secure enough within themselves to be satisfied with attention from you; do not need to constantly seek out attention and admiration from others

• are psychologically finished with previous significant relationships

• have had enough time to get over the breakup of their last significant relationship (at least three to six months from a breakup with a dating partner and at least one year from the legal date of a divorce or breakup from a cohabiting or marriage relationship)

• are financially stable and seem to be able to handle financial issues without losing control

• can balance the need for control with the ability to be flexible when appropriate

• are able to express fears or vulnerability in emotionally safe situations

• are reliable; follow through on pre-arranged plans; show up on time for most meetings

• have an appropriate emphasis on physical or sexual themes as an integrated part of an overall blossoming romantic relationship; do not always need external "props" to become aroused or perform sexually

• have one or more personal friendships that they have sustained for at least several years

• show an interest in you and your feelings and activities as well as in their own

• have a lifestyle which is conducive and allows for the addition of an intimate relationship; are able to balance work and personal life and create enough time for both

• have a positive, optimistic outlook on life

• have a good sense of humor

• take responsibility for their life, their feelings and the consequences of their decisions without blaming others

• take care of self physically and emotionally; dresses in a clean, attractive manner and eats right and exercises regularly

• are able to receive constructive feedback from others without getting defensive

• if they use computers, they use a computer as a tool, not as a constant companion

• have more friends and acquaintances in their real life than in cyberspace

• know how to resolve conflict in a constructive manner, or is willing to learn how to do so

• allow themselves to feel their anger and resentment and expresses anger in an appropriate manner

Remember, this list is only a guide. If you are dating someone you really like and find they don't have all of these qualities, don't be overly concerned. In that case this list may be a guide for how to improve your relationship even more. On the other hand, if you find that your current dating partner has less than half of the qualities on this list, you may want to re-evaluate whether or not the relationship is truly healthy for you.

Article courtesy of : Relationship Institute

Married At Last

I'm always happy when a fellow sista who wants to be married makes it down the aisle. However, I have *issues* with this particular story. Let me know if you see why I might have a bit of a hard time with this one.

Click Below To Read The Details:


Sheila Frazier and John Atchison

Vagina Power Ladies

Attention : NOT SAFE FOR WORK / ADULT THEMES

With all the discussions of weight and what is ideal vs. where you are now...my response is love what you have now until you can get to where you want to be.

Self love comes before any change.