When the Politics of Race Seeps into Your Relationship

I met this great guy when I was in college. Mr. X was smart, respectful and very cute. I can honestly say, he was the perfect extrovert to my introvert. Mr. X was also a major history buff, so when he talked about Civil War facts and mentioned he had a lot of CW memorabilia, I didn't really think anything of it.

We were in the budding stages of the relationship and the biggest worry I had was how to tell my parents that he wasn't Black. I knew the racial issue would cause some problems for me at home; that was my major concern. Apart from my worries about my family, everything else was going well.

Until.......I discovered he had a HUGE confederate flag framed and hung above the living room sofa in his apartment. He took one look at my face and started explaining that he wasn't racist. He went on to explain that he and his family were direct descendants of a confederate soldier and for them the flag was about honoring family history. As someone born and bred in the south, I have heard all the arguments for and against this particular ideology about the confederate flag. I used to be one of those folks who thought they were sooooo "progressive" about this issue. I can remember (prior to this experience) getting on my high horse each time a Black Civil Rights group demanded the flag be taken down. My opinion was, "we have much bigger issues to be worried about. Taking down that flag won't change anything." My, my how my chickens came home to roost that day...lol.

Bottom line, I intellectually understood his position but I knew I could never stop that "kick in the stomach" feeling every time I saw that flag. It's like a Pavlovian response. I've seen it all my life and I know it has been used as a symbol of hatred, intimidation and violence. There was just no way that I could be with someone who had such love for that flag and have that be a part of my *zone.*

I couldn't change the way I felt anymore than he could. That was the end of a very promising relationship.

My question : Would something like this be a deal-breaker for you or would try to work through it if you thought the relationship was perfect in every other way ?