Breasts Do Not a Pedophile Make

Although this blog is entitled "Go Team Boobies!" it is not a blog about breasts or breastfeeding (many of my male Facebook friends thought there would be photos of boobies here; they were disappointed). The name is taken from one of my favorite shows - The Venture Brothers! - and if you don't watch this show, what the hell is wrong with you?! You're grounded until you can recite the best lines from the first and second season from memory ("Be thankful for ze slits!").

Anyway, Jake got me started watching Penn & Teller's Bullshit! show on Netflix. I find the show informative (mostly), hilarious, and also rage-inducing. Here's one instance of why I get mad watching this show.

In Season 5, Episode 3 is entitled "Breast Hysteria," and is all about America's obsession with breasts being viewed as dirty. There are a bunch of feminists (not the mustachioed, Birkenstock-wearing, scary ones - the cool ones with PhDs and bob haircuts and tasteful artwork of naked ladies in their offices) that are all for women being able to go topless anywhere men are allowed to go topless (the beach, for example).

Here is an example of a couple of the classy feminists. Please note that, while the art depicting breasts has been blurred out, the art depicting penises has not.

Along with these neat pro-tit feminists are the anti-tit bitches. I tried to find a clip of this woman, but I can't find one. Boo. Anyway, some lawyer (we shall call her "Cynthia") is vehemently against public breastfeeding. She says, "If I'm eating a burrito at Taco Bell and some woman who is six inches away from me takes her boobs out and starts expressing milk, I have a problem with that!"

If you're eating a burrito at Taco Bell and you're six inches away from anyone, you need to develop a better understanding of American personal space rules. Back the fuck up!

Cynthia finds nursing mothers rude. She says, "Not my breast, not my kid, not my business!" I agree, bitch, not your business. As in, NUNYA BIDNIS!

She goes on to say - and yes, this is an exact quote, I went back and watched the show again to make sure I got it right - "The damage that can be done to children by seeing a woman's breast in public is not that far off from the damage that can be done to children who engage in sexual activity with adults."

Wait... did that cunt just call me a pedophile?!

Pedobear will gitcha!

I beg to differ, Cynthia, and I think the scores of children who have been molested by adults would probably agree with me. Seeing boobs? Fine. Having some pervy 40-year-old guy put his penis in my mouth against my will? Not fine. It's not a fine line, Cynthia, it's a gargantuan abyss.

When I feed Camille in public, I use a nursing cover because I am personally uncomfortable with flinging my knockers around for all to see. That's my prerogative. If I wanted to just whip them out, I could. I'd be protected by Utah law. As long as there's a baby attached, I can be topless wherever I want.

If I were feeding Camille with the cover on (read: no nudity for any impressionable childrens to see) and some Cynthia came up and started getting after me for doing that, my reaction would be to inform the skank that by Utah law, I'm allowed to breastfeed wherever I want. Then, I'd remove the nursing cover. Be thankful for ze cover!

Penn had a good point. If you don't like seeing a mother nursing her baby, don't look. It's very easy to just look away. So do it. If she's not squirting milk in your face, she's not hurting you. And no child is going to see a woman breastfeeding a baby and think that it's a dirty, sexual thing... unless their parent freaks out and tells them it's dirty. It's not dirty. It's what boobs are there for. Get with the program, Cynthias!